Promises & More Promises

Every man in my life has hurt me in some form or another. Each time, chipping away at my once whole heart. Each one leaving their own personal scars.

Man-Hater you ask yourself as you read this? Not in the least, actually it would make my life easier if I were. I happen to love men, just not what they do to me. I know better, at least I would like to think I do, to not let them inside anymore.

I've been alone all my life, surrounded, yet alone. Hurt after hurt after hurt, takes it's toll on any soul. I thought I had learned, learned from my mistakes. That is until you came along, flipping my once perfect, yet uncaring world, inside out.

Over the years I've had promises made to me. Promises I knew once they were spoken, were impossible to keep. So empty and hollow, I could feel their echo's bouncing around in my fragile chest.

I would smile and nod when they would ask if I believed them, a smile that did not reach my eyes, a smile with a cold agonizing pain behind it. All the while I was counting how long it would take for them to break it. Watching with knowing eyes as they gave up to early and ran away, usually leaving a trail of dust in their wake.

"I would knock down hell's very door to rescue you and be with you!"

"Your like no one else I have ever known, no way I am letting you go!" and "I could drown in your eyes and live there forever."

"I will wait on you the rest of my life, however long it takes to be with you."

Powerful yet empty words, maybe their forever wasn't as long as mine? Maybe when they made a promise, it some how lacked the truth and conviction as mine do. Maybe.

I made no such promises to them, no promise I knew I couldn't or wouldn't keep. Maybe they couldn't take the pain and suffering, that I now find comforting and true, like a warm pool I float in the middle of.

Then you came along, after so many years of protecting myself, you broke through, some how. And I find myself finally making those same promises, that still echo inside me, to you.

So I, one more time, stand in front of you. Naked and broken, alone and trembling, stripping away every shred of my armor. Daring to let myself dream once more. Believing your promises, as if I had never believed any before.

Ah but time is a cruel partner, and with him, he brings doubts and fears, loneliness and heartbreak.

Promises you spoke in the beginning, I tested them. Finding them to be strong and sturdy. Thinking finally, these are promises that will withstand any storm headed our way. Hand in hand, together facing down life...you and me.

But now, unexpectantly, I feel your hand tremble in mine. Forcing my heart to ache and knowing that it will surely never recover from this break.

I see your promises shaky and weak now. Threatening to fall like a fragile house of cards. I'm afraid to look, peeking through splayed fingers, as my hands cover my face in anguish.

Praying so hard, to any God that will hear me, you will stand the test of time, and not run away...your real.

Praying that when i take my hands down, away from my eyes, you will still be there. Standing before me, proving all your promises true.

Praying your the one man in my life, to keep his promises.